Devil May Dry

Before you go on reading, I want you to know that I like and respect DMC. The games are fun, they look nice and, judging by countless legions of loyal fans, they simply are the best slice-them-up-with-your-big-sword- and-stuff-every-piece-with-500-bullets-action-games out there. There is just one thing that prevented me from buying and playing them - the thing which I encountered trying out DMC4 demo.

Cheeziness.

I started the demo and, OK, there's Nero The New Character running around, killing hordes of monsters, smashing furniture and collecting orbs. Well why not? Just what we learned to know and love from the previous ones. The next-gen graphical splendor is also there (though I still think Gears of War looks better) and that's probably the only thing reminding me that it's the fourth part I'm playing, because everything else looks exactly, and I mean EXACTLY, the same.
Nothing wrong about that either - after all, Capcom rarely fixes something that is clearly not broken (just take a look at Resident Evil), a bloody good tendency if you ask me.

But then came the boss. Oh boy, there we go again.
1. The cutscene starts.
2. The boss presents his impressive posture (for those of you who never played the demo, it's that creature in the image above), babbling nonsense about how strong and powerful he is.
3. Nero utters some cheap, pseudo-offending sentence.
4. The boss pretends to feel insulted (in fact all he cares for is the combat itself, but apparently his good manners prevent him from entering one without a reason); then the boss frenzies and screams that Nero will suffer some unimaginable punishment, that he will burn in hell until the cows come home, blah, blah, blah... (now I know what Misa in Death Note meant by "credible acting")
5. The cutscene ends and the combat begins; enter the trademark music which I personally abhor.
6. ...

The boss won and I didn't care to retry. It all looked pretty good, especially the fire blast attack, but the dialogue killed me long before the boss did. To think that I was dumb enough to actually believe that, introducing a new character, they would maybe give him some better lines... Hell no, it's Dante all over again. I might as well guess what happens after the fight:

6. The boss staggers and finally collapses.
7. We see a brief close-up of Nero taking his victory pose.
8. The boss says that he had no idea how powerful Nero was and that he is really impressed.
9. So impressed that he dies, leaving a gift, probably a new weapon or ability.
10. Nero takes the weapon and probably starts to show off but by that time I would have skipped the damn cutscene so I don't know.
Leave me a comment whether I was right or not.



Why they even bothered creating that little deceiverdeceived.com website enumerating differences between Nero and Dante is beyond me.
Just take a look. Here's the last paragraph of Nero's description on that site:
Nero is ready for anything, and afraid of nothing. With skill, youth and speed on his side, no matter what comes his way, his attitude is "Bring it on!"
God, I know that reminds me of someone...

Now here's the last paragraph of Dante's description. Hold on tight.
Nothing can compete with Dante's discipline, wisdom, experience and power.
DISCIPLINE?!?
WISDOM?!?
Shocked, I scanned the provided images to make sure if mister D. didn't undergo some kind of brain surgery. And nope, the cheeky smile is there, the stupid haircut is there, the all-but-practical clothes are there. He might as well be saying the immortal DMC1 line "Whoa, slow down babe! Nature calls? It's in the back!"

By now, you're probably bored to tears with my useless ranting, so I'll get to the point. I can't play a game with such dumb, pop-culture characters. I know the Japanese love this kind of thing, but for heaven's sake, couldn't they make just one character who is actually NOT DUMB? I know, I know, Vergil might be the one but his neverending 'who's the greatest brother' competition IS DUMB. After all, if they could get along, he would still be alive.

So will the devil dry? Will the world eventually grow tired of white-haired dumb smart asses? I guess not. So here is my bow of respect for all of you people able to withstand Dante-talk and enjoy the truly great game that is Devil May Cry. I'll just step aside and dream about playing DMC with "Nero Angelo"...